Second child guilt…

I had my 35th week appointment with my doctor. Since I will be having a second cesarian section, our doctor asked us to schedule it two weeks before or after my due date, which is December 9. Since we really wanted to spend more time with our first born, we scheduled it at December 3, which is a week before my due date, at 39 weeks.

However, as pointed out by my doctor during this morning’s checkup, it would not be so wise to schedule it that late, especially that it’s my second pregnancy, since the baby might arrive earlier than our chosen date.

My doctor asked me to choose any date between November 25 to 30. After my checkup, I went home since it was still early to report to the office, to ask the opinion of my husband on it. While discussing, with our first born lying between us, I can’t help but feel sad that his days as an only child became even shorter than expected.

While I truly wanted to make my days count with him, like going for a walk outside after dinner, and while waiting for his Papa. Sadly though, this didn’t happen. For one, I had contractions noted at 16 weeks and came back when I was 30+ weeks and haven’t stopped since then. I couldn’t figure if they were just Braxton Hicks or they were signs of preterm labor. In fact, every time I go to the toilet for a pee, I’d always check for blood, afraid that I’d give birth earlier than expected. I didn’t experience this with my first born. This pregnancy was even harder than the first, so hard that I had finally decided that we’d stop at just two kids.

When we decided to have a second child, this feeling of guilt wasn’t in the equation. It was all about giving our first born the gift of a sibling. We tried for four months (conceiving for the second time around was harder than we expected). When I finally saw two faint lines, and told my husband about it, we were both elated. Finally, our first born doesn’t have to play by himself anymore. It didn’t matter if it was a boy or a girl for me. He or she will be loved wholeheartedly!

But as my pregnancy progressed, my toddler also became a handful to the point that I’d spank him. I feel bad afterwards because after all he’s just turned two and probably doesn’t understand half of what I am trying to say. This was also the time when we let go of the idea of going helper-less. So you get where I’m coming from. Working full time, without a helper, and a toddler, spelled disaster.

I started to question if we made the right decision to have another child this early. I mean, we have just ironed our finances out and we’re not even 100% debt free yet. And to top it all, we don’t even have a reliable carer for both our children right now. I am still hopeful though that things will eventually work out fine.

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