Torn

I am again feeling as if I am in a dark place. I have made this blog to document my journey on becoming a full time wife and mom. The initial plan was to stay at home probably on the second half of next year. But oftentimes, I get consumed with worry on how we’ll deal with our finances as a one-income family. I know we’ll manage. We always do. I mean, we didn’t always have the disposable income we’re enjoying right now. I still remember how hard it was when we were just newly married with a newborn, with payables here and there.

The past week has been especially hard for me and my husband, as our two-year old has started being clingy whenever he sees us preparing for work. I don’t know if this is just a phase but I hope it goes away soon because it’s truly heartbreaking seeing him in tears whenever I head out the door. It even came to a point where he snatches my dress away as I get ready in the morning. I feel guilty even more turning the TV on so early in the morning just so he wouldn’t notice me leave.

I feel bad having second thoughts about staying at home. This wouldn’t have been a problem if we’ve found a reliable carer for our son. But as much as I am thankful having my in-laws around to care for him, it’s still not the same whenever I feel like my son is not getting the care that only a mother could give. No carer I think could ever be enough for me. I consider myself the best. Hahaha.

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