As I was on my way home last night, I scanned my phone and found an unpublished noted about unrealized plans. Our original plan was 1) To give birth via normal delivery and pay off some debts on the savings, 2) Leave our baby under my mother’s care in Samal (about two hours away including the waiting time at the ferry) and 3) Continue living with my classmates from college and just go home twice a week to see our son.
None of the things listed above ever materialized. 1) I gave birth via emergency c-section. Though we didn’t have to apply for a new loan, we said goodbye to savings and to supposedly paid off debts. Our income projection was totally messed up. 2) Due to unavoidable circumstances, we couldn’t leave my baby under my mother’s care. 3) Due to the unavoidable circumstances mentioned in number 2, we had to ditch plan number 3 and live with my in-laws. Not a good way to start motherhood! I kept crying for weeks because everything was not going according to all our plans. I felt depressed since I felt so crippled. I cannot do anything. I wasn’t able to go out of the house for one whole month. In fact, I felt so depressed that whenever B steps out of the door for work, the water works immediately start. I look at all the mess around me, scattered clothes, unwashed baby bottles, and wished my mom was there with me.
I was angry. I was frustrated. I was totally unhappy. I felt a myriad of things one post cannot cover. I was supposed to be happy with our bundle of joy. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy with my baby. In fact, I feel so blessed to have experienced something that is not for everyone. But I have let my frustrations cloud the bliss a newborn is supposed to bring.
So I searched for a Bible verse about plans and loved this particular verse:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
The moment I started accepting things as they come, I felt free. I may not have any savings due to my emergency c-section but I cannot imagine life without my baby. It was the only way to deliver him safely. Not being able to go out whenever I want to (due to lack of a carer) made me plan all my transactions within the day. Pre-baby it was all about spontaneity. And lastly, living with in-laws. It wasn’t the most ideal set-up for newly-wedded couples like us, but looking at it now, especially with the recent news we received, it proved to be the best set-up. B’s diagnosis was a challenge not just emotionally, mentally, physically, but also financially. I cannot imagine how we could manage if we weren’t living rent-free with my in-laws. Not to mention the super discounted baby-sitting fee. I am still not 100% panatag (as any mother is! Haha) but at least someone from the family cares for our baby while we’re away for work.